Find a less moist boyfriend.

Posted on January 27, 2012


Dear Mr. Bubballoo,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 5 months. We go to separate colleges but are only 47 micronanometers apart (with the ultra-fast magna-zip linking the colleges, that makes us only 25.345682 hours apart). Whenever we spend time together, Vallumar (my bf) is the most amazing and attentive bf a six-legged, multi-orifaced sluh like me could want. The problem comes in what happens after we go back to our prospective colleges. Vallumar never answers my calls or messages. When I ask him why, he seems very confused and replies that he doesn’t like to spend time on the messages. When he first gets of the magna-zip he seems cold and distant. Should I be worried?


Slowly sad sluh.



Dear Slowly sad sluh,

Upon reading your message, I would have normally been inclined to say that your Vallumar just didn’t really give a damn about your six-legs. However, that answer seemed too quick and simply to present. Upon looking at his name, I did a bit of research to see the details that you mistakenly left out. Vallumar is typically a tribal name for the near region of Vallumark, a home for relatively small brained, lizard-like breeds. It seems safe to say that every time your sweet Vallumar is with you, he is his moistened and soft skinned self.

 But once he boards the fast moving magna-zip, he quickly becomes dehydrated and his already small brain shrivels to almost nothing. By the time he is back in college, his brain simply isn’t working. When you call or message him, he likely doesn’t even know who you are. By the time he is rehydrated it’s time to hop back on the zip and see you again. Once he arrives, he is dehydrated again, explaining his distant behavior. The solution? Get him a bottle of water for the zip. He’ll be fine. If he doesn’t answer your messages then…find a less moist bf.

Good Luck!

Mr. Bubballoo