Does anyone know how to drive but me?

Posted on February 18, 2013


After driving enough hours this weekend to cause my ass & lower back to throb, not to mention nearly losing blood flow to my legs at several points, I have decided it is was the right time to declare publicly what I have declared for years in bars, libraries and drivers-ed-cartoon2 drugstores…that I when I am operating a motor vehicle there simply is no better driver on the road.

Barring any true scientific study that will never be conducted(unless you count that Progressive Insurance Snapshot thing), I arrived at this conclusion based on a series of simple observations of myself and others as they drive. By the way, isn’t this how great discoveries in the universe start…with a simple observation?


  • Let’s just start by saying the posted speed limit is just a very limited guidepost. Obviously a great deal of people think you’re actually supposed to follow it everywhere you go. Rule of thumb: add about 17.34280% to it. Then you’ll really get somewhere and get people like me off your ass.
  • Your cellphone doesn’t drive your car(at least not yet). Driving while yakking about yuk that can likely wait until later causes you to tilt your head, which in turn causes you to drive left/right of center. It also makes you look like a fool for not buying a device called a Bluetooth. Get off the phone loser!
  • There is no such thing as driving etiquette. When driving on the interstate, hell…when driving in the parking lot…there simply is no mercy. No one has to let you in just because you have groceries or a hostage in your trunk. This also applies if you drive a big truck, have taken Tae Kwon Do or have ambitions to fight in the MMA. None of us are scared or impressed. The rest of us have places to go as well.
  • If you do not know where you are…what road, what street, what state or even what planet or galaxy then you should not be driving. The rest of us would be better off if you attempted to train a blind chimpanzee to drive.
  • Finally and likely most importantly, in the pursuit of arriving at a destination there is no path that cannot be tread on. These include; alleys, junkyards, front lawns, church parking lots, woodsy walkways, golf courses & tennis courts. If it can shave a couple of minutes off your trip and help get you around someone who shouldn’t be driving…it’s worth it. But let’s face it, trimming time while trying to cut across a graveyard is pretty under-handed.

Once again, no scientific study can prove I’m the best driver. After all, being the best is a relative term. If anything, I may not be the best…but I’m a hell of a lot better than most. Maybe even better than you:)